Are You Alright? | 你没事吧？

Written by: Wen Diya | 温迪雅

Translated by: Shuhan Cheng

Illustrated by Tian Tian

My husband is British. After we got married, we lived in a terraced house in Brighton; a two-hundred-year-old building called Fisherman’s Cottage where fishermen once lived. The house was small yet lovely, with a tiny front yard and a rose garden. Seated upstairs, we often saw tourists shamelessly snapping photos of it. Occasionally, however, they’d “take the piss” (pun intended) and pee on our doorstep! I understand that there is a dearth of public toilets along Brighton’s seaside, and that the holly trees in our front garden provide the perfect cover, but I found it deeply uncomfortable to see people having a wee in our front garden.

The idea of confronting a trespassing tinkler was mortifying to me, but one day, while my husband was home, I made him do it.

“Are you alright?” he said to our unwelcome visitor, who was still shaking out his willy.

“Sorry, I really couldn’t hold it!” replied the interloper.

Then, without another peep from my husband, the man zipped up and walked away.

Over the many years I’ve spent in Britain, I’ve learned that the British (and especially my very British husband) are not willing to face conflict head on. They much prefer to dance around it, thereby maintaining the decorum and propriety that they hold in such great esteem. I know that if I hadn’t urged my husband to go outside and confront the man “watering” our garden, he never would have. He’d rather try and redesign the garden to prevent it from happening than tell someone off who was clearly in the wrong.

In many ways, my husband isn’t any different from the affable protagonist played by Hugh Grant in the classic British film Notting Hill. When Grant’s character encounters troublesome people in the bookshop where he works or when his friends and family embarrass him, he never protests. It’s the British way. Some may say it’s gentlemanly, but I find it confusing.

For example, when invited to an event, the British may respond subtly, saying “I’ll think about it” or “I’ve got plans and I’m not sure if I can make it”.

They often use ambiguous language, especially when discussing sensitive topics or controversial issues, preferring vague terms to avoid direct arguments. They might say, “That’s an interesting view, but I see it a bit differently” or “I don’t quite agree with you”. They express their opinions indirectly, perhaps saying, “I’m not sure this is the right idea for us”, or “Maybe we could consider other options”. Then they lay out a multitude of options, so that their real choice or opinion can be artfully camouflaged among them.

Their sense of humour is also distinctively British. They often choose to defuse conflicts and tensions with self-deprecating humour. In daily life, this can all be quite mind-boggling. Their lack of a direct answer doesn’t mean they don’t have one – it just requires a bit of sleuthing and familiarity with British society in order to decode.

As we know, the characteristics of a nation’s people are shaped by various factors, such as history, culture, traditions and customs, etc. In the past, I have read several books by British authors about the characteristics of the British people. Based on my understanding, I would like to offer a brief analysis for further reflection from the following perspectives:

British culture values politeness and respect for others’ feelings, always striving to avoid causing inconvenience or offence. Therefore, they prefer to solve problems through dialogue and compromise rather than confrontation.

Historically, the UK has been a country with a strict social hierarchy. To maintain social order and respect others’ status, the British have tended to avoid conflicts and preserve social harmony. Even today, there are many “codes of behaviour” and unwritten “rules” between various “classes”. Although these behavioural codes are gradually fading, especially in large cities with increasing foreign populations, “Britishness” remains widespread among the British people. In addition, Britain has a long-standing tradition of non- violence, which has influenced British behaviour. They are more inclined to resolve disputes through legal and rational approaches rather than through intense confrontation.

Therefore, British people rarely complain in public. It’s not that they don’t have complaints; they are just more likely to joke about their unhappiness with each other and then let it go. Many of my Chinese friends have observed that when you get stern with British people, they are often at a loss. Indeed, they don’t particularly know how to deal with emotional responses (which are quite normal in many contexts in China), and their instinct is to avoid direct conflict. If only they would avoid our holly trees!

About the author

Wen Diya has been a columnist for various magazines for many years. During her time as a reporter and host of CCTV’s news commentary programme Oriental Horizon, specifically for the “Oriental People” segment, she published two books: Wen Diya Interviews and Wen Diya Diaries. Later, she pursued her studies in the UK, where she obtained three master’s degrees and collaborated with Phoenix Satellite Television to produce the series European Tour. Currently, she is a contributing correspondent for Hong Kong magazine Ming Pao Monthly in the UK. During the pandemic, she has been regularly posting articles on her WeChat public account “Miss Wen’s Aerobic Garden” about physical and mental health, personal growth, and parenting, which have received widespread attention, especially from overseas Chinese. She enjoys painting, hiking and sea swimming, and is actively involved in social activities with various local charities and Chinese associations.

英国人说话婉转、不直接是出了名的，在“说话听音”上和咱中国人有一拼。而且普通英国人特别不喜欢冲突，你很难在大街上碰到吵架、打架和各种争论的场面。当然在特定场合，譬如足球比赛的现场，所谓“足球流氓”现象还是有的。偶然，在外面听到一个人大喊大叫，一定是那个人有点精神问题，路上的行人也少有去理会的。

每当和中国朋友聊起英国人的种种“问题”，我都禁不住想起发生在自己身边的这个故事，想起来就觉得好笑。

我的先生是土生土长的英国人。和先生结婚后，我们住在布莱顿的一个联排别墅，那是一个有两百年历史的渔民居住过的村舍，他们叫渔夫村舍（Fisherman’s Cottage）。房子虽小，却十分可爱，门前有个小小的前庭和玫瑰花园，坐在楼上经常可以看到有游客对着我们的小房子拍照。但是，除了邻居家的猫会在院子里闲逛，偶然也会有人在家门口撒尿！我猜测一是因为我们家的花园是敞开的，而且车位是凹进花园里的，还有一排冬青树围着，撒尿的人比站在巷子里更隐蔽，不容易被别人看见。二是布莱顿海边的公用洗手间的确太少，这样的情况海边也时有发生。

我心里当然觉得这是个问题，可我一个女性怎么也不好意思对撒尿的男人表达不满，跟先生说了很多次，也没想出什么好办法去制止。有一次，我又看见一个男人准备在那里撒尿，先生正好也在家，我赶紧示意他出门阻止。

先生倒是很快地走了出去，只见他走近那个男人，说：“Are you alright ？（你没事儿吧？）”那个男的一边用手抖着自己的撒尿工具，一边对我先生说：“对不起，我真的憋不住了！”然后先生也没了下文，而那个人就直接走开了。我挺不高兴的，并不是希望他骂别人一顿，而是觉得他最起码应该去质问一下那个人，在别人家的花园里撒尿特别令人不舒服。而他一句“Are you alright ？”，似乎更像是关心而不是表达不满。

英国人似乎都不是特别愿意直面冲突。

想想也是，英国人的安静、礼貌、注重隐私，常常让他们处于一个不自在的“尴尬境地”，在他们生活的方方面面都有体现。那种宁愿绕道走也不想和邻居碰面打个招呼的人还是挺多的，更何况去挑战这么尴尬的场面。我估计，如果不是我逼着先生出去面对，可能他也不会出去，而是想着如何改造花园以避免这种情况的发生。

大家一定都记得《诺丁山》这部经典的英国电影，休·格兰特扮演的主人公面对前来书店的各种奇奇怪怪的人，虽然讨厌，但也从未指责过；即便室友坏了他的好事，即便亲朋令他尴尬，他也没有直接抱怨过。

你说英国人木讷也好，说他们绅士也好，反正在我看来，他们就是不喜欢直接的冲突和直接的对抗。其实，英国人的这个特点只是他们“英国性（Englishness）”的众多特性之一罢了。

他们会避免直接回绝一件事情。当被邀请参加一个活动时，英国人可能会用委婉的方式来回应，他们可能会说：“我会考虑一下”或者“我有安排，不确定能否参加”。

他们也常常使用模棱两可的语言，尤其在讨论敏感话题或有争议的问题时，倾向于使用含糊的语言来避免直接对抗。他们可 能会说：“这是一个有趣的观点，但我有些不同的看法。”或者： “我不完全同意你的观点。”他们会间接地表达意见，可能会说： “我不确定这个主意适合我们”，或者“也许我们可以考虑其他的选择”。

英国人的幽默感也是他们的特点之一，所以用幽默来化解冲突和紧张气氛也是他们的选择。他们可能会通过开玩笑或者自嘲来缓和局面；虽然不是每个人都擅长幽默，但每个英国人都试图展现自己的幽默。

这些例子都显示了英国人在交流中更倾向于使用委婉、含蓄的语言来表达自己的意见，所以最初我会感觉他们从未给你一个明确的回答；或者他们会把事情的正反几个方面都罗列一番，让自己的答案消失在这些可能性里。

如果你不够了解英国人的这个特点，你也许会忽略他们真正的含义，甚至刨根问底地要一个直接的答案，这样都会将他们置于一个非常尴尬的境地，也许同样留给他们一个“愣头青”的印象。

在生活中，这样的习惯可能会令人烧脑，我先生就是这样。

无论我们讨论什么，他都会将各种可能性摆出来，是的，我也知道这些可能性，但我想要知道的是他的意见和选择。然而，这个要求让他做到就很难很难。当然，先生的特点只是一种。还有一种情况是，英国人虽然没有直接回答，其实他的答案已经有了，如果你对英国社会和英国人有相当的了解，你自然就会解读他们的答案。

我们知道，一个国家国民的特性，是由这个国家的历史文化和传统习俗等等众多原因决定的，早年我也曾经读过几本英国人写的关于英国人特性的专著，我尝试用自己的理解简短地从以下几个角度抛砖引玉地分析一下：英国文化讲究礼貌和尊重他人的感受，总是避免给他人带来困扰或冒犯。所以，他们更倾向于通过对话和妥协来解决问题，而不是通过直接对抗来解决分歧。

英国曾经是一个社会等级严格的国家，为了维持社会秩序和尊重他人的地位，英国人倾向于避免冲突，维持社会和谐。即便现在，各个“阶层（class）”之间也有很多的“行为密码”和没有写在纸面上的“规则”，虽然大城市的外来人口越来越多，这种行为规则越来越淡化。但是在英国人之间，“英国性”当然依旧广泛存在。还有，英国有着长期的非暴力传统，这在一定程度上影响了英国人的行为方式。他们更倾向于通过法律和理性的方式来解决冲突，而不是采取激烈的对抗手段。

所以，英国人很少在公众场合抱怨，不是他们没有怨言，而是相互自己开玩笑抱怨一下就过去了；很多中国朋友说，当你对英国人凶起来的时候，他们就傻了。的确，他们不是特别知道该怎样处理你的“过激”反应（这个所谓的“过激”在中国的很多场合也属于正常），唯一可以做的就是不直接与你争执，不然下一步就是让警察来解决了。

作者介绍

温迪雅，多年来一直在各种杂志担任专栏作家，并在她担任中央电视台新闻评论节目《东方时空》“东方之子”栏目的主持人期间，出版了《温迪雅访谈》和《温迪雅日记》两本书。后来她留学英国获得三个硕士学位，并与香港凤凰卫视合作完成了系列电视节目《欧洲之旅》。目前，她是香港《明报月刊》的英国特约记者。在疫情期间，她在自己的公众号“小温的有氧花园”定期发布关于身心健康、心灵成长、亲子关系等内容的文章，受到广泛关注，尤其是受到海外华人朋友的喜欢。她喜欢绘画，徒步和海泳，并热衷于当地多家慈善机构和华人社团的社会活动。