My British In-Laws | 我的英国公婆
Written by: He Yue | 何越
Translated by: Kaidi Lyu
Editor’s Note:
This article is excerpted from Haha! Britain — a charitable bilingual publication co-produced by The Mothers’ Bridge of Love (MBL) and River Cam Breeze. The book is a lively collaboration between 42 Chinese authors living in the UK and 36 university-based volunteer translators. With wit and warmth, the stories capture the everyday realities of Chinese communities in Britain, offering an honest look at the cultural clashes, humour, and adaptation that arise in the space between Chinese and British ways of life. Haha! Britain has been warmly endorsed by several well-known figures in UK-China relations, including Stephen Perry (former Chairman of the 48 Group Club), Luise Schäfer OBE (former British diplomat and Chamber of Commerce chair), Professor Hugo De Burgh (former BBC editor and academic), and British scholar Martin Jacques. The book’s title was handwritten by celebrated British-Chinese artist Qu Leilei, its cover illustrated by bestselling Chinese author and poet Feng Tang, and the postscript contributed by Xue Mo, a prominent voice in contemporary Chinese literature.
Illustrated by Tian Tian
When I first visited my British in-laws, their lifestyle was a real eye-opener.
It was 2008, and at the time, I had no idea that so many British people preferred living in the countryside. I associated the countryside with poverty and backwardness. My in-laws lived in the countryside, surrounded by fields, cattle, sheep, and a national protected forest, with a golf course right next door. To me, modernity meant skyscrapers, so I couldn’t comprehend how cattle and sheep could coexist with a golf course. I also couldn’t understand why my in-laws would choose to live in the countryside and yet have such modern appliances. When my mother visited a few years later, she asked a typical Chinese question, “Aren’t you worried about safety in such a remote place?” My father-in-law, a businessman, smiled and replied, “We Brits are used to paying high taxes and sharing with the poor. That’s how we keep society stable.” At that time, my understanding of British capitalism was very basic. My thinking was still stuck on the idea that “it doesn’t matter if a cat is black or white, as long as it catches mice.” I found my father-in-law to be incredibly generous and progressive. Back then, I aspired to be a well-heeled, uniformed, high-ranking white-collar worker, believing Britain to be the “most class-conscious society” as rumoured in China. I didn’t realise how high labour costs in the UK were and assumed that all middle-class families had maids. My in-laws’ house was huge, but apart from a gardener, they did everything themselves – cooking, laundry and housework. My father-in-law had a massive garage full of various power tools, which he called his toy room. I found it incredible – he wore a suit to work, but at home, he’d change into work clothes and tinker in the garage, often getting dirty. I had never even seen a lawnmower before, and he had ten of them, ranging from mini to car-sized, electric to diesel. His favorite pastime was “mowing the lawn up and down the hills”, which I couldn’t imagine being fun. Many years later, I learned that walking or taking the dog out to “get some fresh air” is the British equivalent of the Chinese “taking a walk” – just a normal part of daily life. Chinese people might find this puzzling and wonder why British people don’t just open the window? Why complicate things? The answer, which might be hard for Chinese people to accept, is that Britain is cold, especially in winter, and homes need to retain as much heat as they can, so windows are rarely opened. When my mother visited Britain every year, she felt suffocated if she couldn’t open the window daily. My husband couldn’t understand, “How could you feel suffocated without opening the window?”
Watching my mother-in-law manage the household, I felt like she could run a small hotel. The things I had to call a property maintenance person for back in China, she handled effortlessly. This made me feel especially inadequate as a woman – I felt like all I could do was study. She would often tease me as being “useless”. Born in the 1950s, my mother-in-law’s generation experienced the happiest, most liberated and egalitarian era for everyday British citizens: the 1960s with The Beatles and miniskirts. Her outdated clothes looked both fashionable and beautiful to me. Her exquisite bone china tableware and tea sets, once popular, are now either displayed or stored away. She and her husband drank tea and coffee from large mugs, which I initially thought was unrefined. Later, I understood that the bone china items, vintage clothes and Rococo-style furniture popular in China are no longer in vogue in Britain. Today’s Britain is a post-class society where “convenience” has replaced old- fashioned “refinement”. My in-laws enjoyed cooking various international dishes and appreciated each other’s efforts. Watching them cook Chinese food, I saw it wasn’t authentic but somewhat close. They had no concept of the precise heat control essential in Chinese cuisine. The UK’s strict safety standards make the British sensitive to fire hazards. Stir-frying onions and garlic on extremely high heat, as is regularly done in Chinese cooking, shouldn’t be done in front of the British – it might scare them. I heard that when the famous Chinese-American TV chef Ken Hom cooked Chinese food for the BBC in 1984, they had the fire brigade on standby.
Back then, I thought that the aristocracy was still a significant social forceand that dressing formally was necessary to gain respect. For my parents’ first visit to my in-laws’ house, I specifically asked them to dress nicely to avoid embarrassment. Looking back now, none of that was necessary. My father- in-law is a very relaxed person and loves to joke – he even discusses things like death as casually as the weather. Now that I can understand his jokes and laugh out loud, I realise how tense I was when I first got to England. When meeting and saying goodbye to my in-laws, I had to kiss them, and initially, I was very stiff. My mother-in-law’s kisses and hugs were warm and loving, and now I’ve learned to express about half of that affection. Mentally, I’ve also become very relaxed. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like my mind and body have been liberated. Now, my mother-in-law no longer calls me useless. She once said she was surprised I dared to come to the UK to study alone. She was probably also surprised that I eventually adapted to so many local customs. It only took me about twenty years! But one thing is clear – the real Britain and the Britain portrayed in Chinese textbooks are two completely different places. I’m glad I get to live in the former.
About the author
He Yue is a columnist for the Financial Times Chinese website, political commentator for Lianhe Zaobao and South China Morning Post, member of the UK Labour Party and member of the UK National Union of Journalists.
我的英国公婆
最初去英国公婆家，他们的生活方式令我惊讶。
那是 2008 年，当时我不知道好些英国人喜欢住乡下，我那时认为乡下是贫穷落后的代名词。公婆家就在乡下，对面是草地、牛羊与国家保护森林，可旁边是高尔夫球场。我那时对现代的概念是高楼大厦，不知道牛羊怎么能和高尔夫球场同画框。又疑惑公婆怎么会愿意住在乡下，可家里的家电设备又那么齐备和现代。我母亲几年后来访，提的问题更具中国特色：“荒郊野岭的，不担心安全吗？”公公是个商人，他笑眯眯地对我说：“我们英国人都习惯缴高税，和穷人分享。这样社会才稳定。”我那时对英国资本主义理解非常初级，不知道英国平等公平观已经进入高级阶段，还满脑子“白猫黑猫，抓到老鼠就是好猫”的概念，觉得他怎么那么大方和先进。那时我向往成为脚踏高跟鞋、身着制服的高级白领，以为英国是国内盛传的“最讲阶级的社会”。我也不知道英国劳动力费用那么高，还以为这里“中产阶级都请女佣”。公婆家那么大，可是除了一位花匠，不请其他工人，什么都自己做——做饭、洗衣服、做其他家务。公公有个硕大的车房，里面全是各色电动工具，听说这是他的玩具房，我简直觉得不可思议——他平时西装上班，怎么回了家就换工装在车房里倒腾，有时还弄得一身脏。那时我连除草机都没见过，而他有十台，从迷你版到汽车版，从电动版到柴油机版。他最大的爱好是“开着除草车满山坡来回除草”，我无法想象那样的乐趣。很多年以后，我才知道步行或者遛狗去“呼吸新鲜空气”这事基本等同于中国人的“散步”，都是生活常态。这事国人听了绝对纳闷，开窗不就行了？为何一定要外出？把简单的事弄复杂了。答案国人一定也很难笑纳——因为英国长年凉，需要开暖气。为了保持室内温度，不轻易开窗。我母亲以前每年来英国，每天必须开窗，不开她就憋得慌；而我先生没法理解“不开窗怎么会憋得慌？”
我看着婆婆打理家务，感觉她可以做小酒店的老板娘。那些我在国内都要打电话找物业帮忙处理的事，她都轻而易举自己搞定。这让我觉得同是女人，自己好像特别没用——除了读书，什么都不会。她后来也的确曾经一直笑话我 useless（没用）。婆婆 20 世纪 50 年代出生，她们这二战后出生的一代，体验过英国老百姓最幸福、自由和平等的年代——披头士和超短裙的 60 年代，她那些过时了的压舱旧衣物，在我看来都既时髦又好看；她家里那些精美的骨瓷餐具和茶具，都是过去的流行款，现在早已不用，有的摆在橱窗，有的就直接压了箱底。她家喝茶和咖啡，都用大马克杯。最初我觉得真不讲究，怎么不用骨瓷？后来才明白，那些我们国内人追捧的骨瓷、时髦衣物、洛可可式的家具等等，早已不是英国时尚。如今的英国已是去阶级社会，曾经的“讲究”风尚已被“方便”取代。两人特别喜欢做饭，做各种国家的风味，还相互欣赏。我看他们做中国饭，其实不地道，不过也有四成相似度。中国餐饮讲究的火候，他们就没概念。可猛火这事在英国，的确有发生火灾的担忧（英国预防安全的警戒线太高了）。爆香葱蒜这中国人热爱的事，最好少在英国人面前炫耀——会被吓死。我听英国著名华裔电视名厨谭荣辉说过，1984 年 BBC 拍摄他烹饪中餐时，专门请了消防队在现场，随时准备灭火。
那时我还以为贵族仍然是社会的重要力量，以为穿着一定要讲究，才会被人尊重。我父母第一次去公婆家，我特意让父母穿得体面，别丢人现眼。现在回头看，我真想钻地洞。公公特别爱开玩笑，谈死如同谈天气，没有半点顾忌。等到现在我能够听懂他的笑话，而且能放声大笑，才意识到当时我的状态多么紧绷：不单是肢体上的——那时我和公婆见面告别时都要亲吻，我最初绝对是形式上的，身体基本僵硬。而婆婆的亲吻和拥抱，饱含温暖与爱意，现在我大概学到了五成。而精神上的状态，我也已经非常放松。此话很难解释，反正是一种身心的解放。现在，婆婆再也不说我无用了。她曾经说很惊讶我怎么敢一个人来英国留学，她大概也很惊讶，她这个中国儿媳妇可以最终入乡随俗。而我也很惊讶——原来现实英国与中国教科书里的英国，相差那么远，要花近二十年，才能懂。
作者介绍
何越，英国《金融时报》中文网专栏作家，《联合早报》与《南华早报》政治评论撰稿人，英国工党党员，英国记者工会会员。
Both the Chinese and English editions of Haha! Britain can be purchased at the following platforms:
· BOOK FAN