A Letter to my Biological Mother (致我亲生母亲的一封信)

A Letter to my Biological Mother (致我亲生母亲的一封信)

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Here at Mothers’ Bridge of Love (MBL) we often receive letters and notes from people who have been touched by Xinran’s writing about China. Especially relevant is the last book “Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother”, which makes reference to MBL.

Sometimes we are asked to take on the role of detective agency to help trace birth mothers, of find out about a child’s background. Sometimes we receive personal stories that can be very touching. One such is included below (at the request of the author):

Letter to my biological mother

 Hello. My name is Charlotte, but when I went to China, they called me Shasha 莎莎. I hope you are fine. I’m sorry but it’s hard for me to call you “mother”. I know you are the one who gave birth to me but it’s not you who brought me up until today. This woman is the one I call my mother. But this doesn’t mean I reject you and forgot you. I will never forget you, never. Your blood runs through my veins, and it will run through my children’s veins. You are part of me like I was and am part of you. This is something noone could ever change.

I am 18 years old now, and I live in a city near Paris, called Montreuil, in France.

You know, I’ve always wondered why you had abandonned me. And I still wonder why. And I will always wonder why. I’m aware of the possible reasons : though you lived in Madagascar and not in China, your family was part of the Chinese people who still lived together and so still lived under the Chinese culture and traditions ; added to that, according to one of the nurses of the hospital, you were quite young ; so you gave birth to me, a girl, and I was probably your first child. You abandonned me because you knew your family would never accept me and would reject you. It’s important to have a boy as the first child for many Chinese, isn’t it ? Moreover, Madagascar is quite a poor country, you probably didn’t have enough money to take care of me.

I assume you abandonned me for all those reasons. Each abandonned and then adopted child has his own opinion and feelings about what he lived after he was just born. I personnally have always considered that I was responsible for being abandonned by you after I was born. I’ve always felt guilty of this. To me, it was my fault. Year after year, my mother told me it wasn’t my fault at all…For a long time, this idea made my life really hard to live. The sense of guilt led me to be afraid of losing the people I loved, afraid of being rejected by them. I always tell myself that if you, my biological mother, the human being supposed to love me the most on this earth, had been able to abandon me, then anyone could abandon me and leave me alone. When I was in primary school, I didn’t have friends, I didn’t talk to anyone because I thought that if I said something wrong, they would reject me…I can say, without the love and support of my mother, I wouldn’t be alive today.

Year after year, I tried to face this sense of guilt and this fright of rejection. Now I have a “normal” life with lots of friends and I have a fantastic boyfriend too. I love him more than words can say. I have the chance that, like my mother, he understands the consequences of being abandonned on me. I am so terrified about him leaving me. So, when we have an argument, it’s really hard for me, because I am so afraid. And when I have an argument with my mother, it’s the same, I’m afraid of being abandonned a second time. And if after an argument, my boyfriend or my mother is still angry and doesn’t want to talk to me for some time, I just feel like it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have reacted the way I had, and I just deserved it.

I read a book this week, Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother, written by Xinran. In this book, Xinran tells the story of 10 Chinese mothers, including her, who had to abandon their baby girl. As I told Xinran, this book was very hard for me to read. Sometimes I just closed it and burst into tears, thinking I would never be able to read it to the end. But finally, I read it to last page. And now, thanks to Xinran, I have some answers I was looking for. You abandonned me because you loved me. You knew you couldn’t bring me up and offer me a bright future. So you made a huge sacrifice by abandonning me, knowing some other woman would “fall in love” with me and give me everything to have a bright future and be happy. You offered me a chance to live. Without my mother, I wouldn’t be who I am today, but without you, I wouldn’t be there at all. I can’t imagine how much you loved me so you could leave me. I can’t imagine how much you suffered when you left me. But what I know is that you suffered at least as much as you loved me.

I don’t know where you are today, maybe still living in Madagascar, maybe already gone in the clouds above, but I’m sure that, wherever you are, you’re thinking about me, you’re hoping I’m fine. I am fine, and though my life is not easy everyday for the reasons I’ve told before, I am happy.

Though I suffered a lot, I’d like to thank you. Thank you for the huge sacrifice you made. Thank you for doing it for me to have a better life. Thank you for your love.

I have never met you but I don’t need to know you to be sure about this :

I LOVE YOU.

Charlotte/Shasha, the little girl you gave life twice.

 

母爱桥经常收到欣然读者的来信和留言,说自己在读过欣然对中国的描写后,都深受感动。特别是当欣然在新书《一位陌生中国母亲的来信》中提及了母爱桥之后,这样的来信和留言与日俱增。

时常会有人向我们求助寻找他们的生母,或寻找孩子的根。我们也经常接触到感人至深的故事,以下便是其中之一(受作者委托发表):

致我亲生母亲的一封信

您好。我叫夏洛特,但当我到中国时,大家都叫我莎莎。我希望您一切都好。我想叫您一声“妈妈”,但很抱歉这对我来说并非易事。我知道您生了我,但却没有抚养我长大。我现在叫另外一个女人妈妈,但这并不意味着我拒绝您或忘记了您。我永远都不会忘记您,永远不会。您的血液在我的血管里流淌,也会在我孩子的体内流淌。您是我的一部分,正如我曾经是、也永远是您的一部分一样,这是没有人能改变的事实。

我今年十八岁了,居住在法国巴黎附近的一个城市,叫做蒙特勒伊。

您知道吗,我一直在想您为什么离开我,直到现在,直到永远。我也知道原因可能是什么:尽管您住在马达加斯加而非中国,但您的家人都在中国且深受中国传统文化的影响。除此之外,医院的一位护士说,您当时很年轻。您生下了我,可能是您的第一个孩子,一个女孩儿。您遗弃我是因为您知道您的家人永远不会接受我,同时也会排斥您。很多中国家庭的第一个孩子必须是男孩,对吗?另外,马达加斯加是个比较贫穷的国家,您可能没有足够的钱养活我。

我猜想您可能是因为这些原因离开我。每一个遗弃后被领养的孩子对于被父母遗弃这件事都有自己的看法和感受。就我而言,我一直觉得自己有责任,我一直很有负罪感。我认为这是我的不对,但我现在的妈妈一直都跟我说我没有做错什么。可是,有很长一段时间,这种负罪感让我的生活非常艰难,让我很害怕失去我爱的人,害怕被他们拒绝。我总是告诉自己如果您,我的生母,那个世界上本应最爱我的人都可以将我遗弃,那么这世上所有人都有可能离开我。我上小学的时候,没有朋友,我不和任何人说话,因为我害怕如果说错了话,他们就会排挤我。可以说,若是没有现在的妈妈的爱和支持,我甚至无法活到今天。

年复一年,我一直尝试面对这种负罪感和对拒绝的恐惧。现在,我过着正常的生活,有很多朋友,还有一个很好的男朋友,我对他的爱无以言表。我想他和妈妈一样,都知道离开我对我意味着什么。我很害怕他离开我,所以当我们吵架时,我就很难过,因为我真的非常害怕。当我和妈妈吵架时也是一样,我总是害怕再一次被遗弃。在和男朋友或者妈妈吵架过后,如果他们仍旧生我的气而且有一段时间不和我说话,我就会觉得是我的错,我不应该有那样的表现,都是我的不对。

这周我读了一本书,欣然的《一位陌生中国母亲的来信》。在这本书里,欣然讲述了十位遗弃自己女儿的中国母亲的故事。正如我对欣然说的,读这本书对我来说并不容易,我时常把书一合然后泪流满面,以为自己不可能把这本书读完。但最终,我一直看到最后一页。现在,多亏了欣然,我找到了一直追寻的答案。您离开我是因为您爱我。您知道您无法抚养我长大,给我提供一个美好的未来,所以您做出了巨大的牺牲决定离开我,相信会有其他的人“爱上我”,给我一个美好而快乐的未来。您给了我一个生的机会。若没有我现在的妈妈,我不会成长为今天的我,但如果没有您,我根本就不回来到这个世上。我无法想象您是因为多爱我才忍心离开我,我也无法想象离开我之后您经历了怎样的痛苦挣扎,但我知道您经受的痛苦有多剧烈,您对我的爱就有多深沉。

我不知道您现在在哪里,可能仍然住在马达加斯加,或者已经远在天边,但我确信,不论您在哪里,您都思念着我,希望我一切都好。尽管因为我之前所说的原因,我的生活并不轻松,但我很好,我很快乐。

尽管我经受了很多苦痛挣扎,我还是要谢谢您。感谢您为我做出的巨大牺牲,感谢您为了让我过上更好地生活所做的一切,感谢您对我的爱。

我从未见过您,但我希望您知道:

我爱您。

夏洛特/莎莎,您给予两次生命的女儿

(Translated by MBL volunteer: YU Wei 中文翻译:喻唯)

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